100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: I'd Rather They Were Witches
by Shenandoah76209
Summary: "Dear Diary, today Leonard was pompous and Amy was creepy. They were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."


**Rules** :

1\. Sheldon/Penny – They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.

2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9

3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.

4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.

5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.

* * *

 **100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: I'd Rather They Were Witches**

"Gorramit! I told them don't wander off! I said 'Don't!'" Mal cursed his luck. When they'd set back down on Jiangyin he'd warned his newest passengers that wandering off on this planet usually led to getting kidnapped by hillfolk.

"Leonard never did listen if the person speaking held anything less than a doctorate." Sheldon commented from his position on Jayne's weight bench.

"Homunculus is not very bright." River added from the catwalks. Mal ignored that she was using the catwalks as a kind of monkey bars, swinging along under them by her hands and using her genius-y acrobatics to flip and land with a light thud near the mule.

"Simon!" Mal yelled towards the infirmary. He blamed his newly of legal status doctor for this insanity. If he hadn't had the crazy idea to offer a group of his mad scientist buddies a tour of the 'Verse they wouldn't all be in this mess.

"Sorry Mal," Jayne shook his head. "Penny an' me tried to tell 'em don't leave the group but you know what them two are like."

"Sulking over their romantic failures and disinclined to listen to sense," River snuggled up to Jayne in a way that _still_ made Mal want to claw out his eyes. It'd been a good year of those two dating and he liked it less than Simon did.

"There ain't nothin' romantic about that Amy." Jayne shuddered and River patted his arm consolingly.

"Dear Diary, today Leonard was pompous and Amy was creepy. They were kidnapped by hillfolk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever." The tiny Reader recited with a grin.

Jayne laughed and looked up as the rest of the group joined them in the cargo bay. "Yeah. We c'n hope."

"Well it ain't like they're gonna do anything to get themselves burnt at the stake," Mal sighed. "We finish our business here, then we'll go lookin' for 'em."

"I believe your disreputable men have arrived," Penny offered as she entered the bay and went to sit by Sheldon on the weight bench. "Did you have a nice rest honey?"

"I did. I believe I have also attained an optimal amount of weight training thanks to Simon's tutelage." Sheldon smiled as he took her hand.

"I told you that you need more muscle mass to maintain a healthy body mass index," Simon shrugged as he walked down the steps. "Mal, Kaylee says if you wake up the baby one more time she'll make me sew your mouth shut. So, 'quit your caterwaulin'."

"We done lost two of the science-y folk," Mal told him in aggrieved tones. "I don't wanna think what's gonna happen we go back without a full set."

"Which two?" Simon had obviously surprised the captain with his inquiry.

River giggled to Jayne, "Some scientists are more expendable than others."

"The short guy with glasses and the woman who keeps actin' all creepy 'round me, Jayne, Wash, an' if the preacher were alive I 'spect she'd give him an uncomfortableness too." Mal shuddered.

"Ah," Simon sighed and sat down on a crate. "Well at least it wasn't Raj or Howard. If we lost Raj his parents would pay someone to kill us. And if we lost Howard his mother could deafen us with the yelling from clear across the 'Verse."

"We're also not stupid enough to leave the group." Howard said as he strolled jauntily up the ramp. Raj nodded and bowed politely to River and Penny, his manners making up for his lack of speech.

"Well lemme get some business done an' we'll go hunt 'em down." Mal walked down the ramp towards the meadow full of sheep and goats.

* * *

Penny kissed Sheldon's cheek, "I'm kinda sorry those two got brought along. All they do is make people uncomfortable."

"They paid the fare; it was open to anyone who could do so," Sheldon reminded her. "And since you agreed to come with me and help facilitate my communications and maintain my schedule of course Leonard followed you in a futile attempt to regain your affections."

"And Amy came for the same reason." Penny nodded her understanding as she watched River coax Jayne into dancing with her. They were managing a respectable waltz. "I'm glad that we came though. If you hadn't talked to River about her relationship with Jayne you might never have asked me to dance at that shindig."

"She made some valid observations about balance in a relationship and relative strengths versus weaknesses." Sheldon spoiled the effect of his rather haughty words with a shy smile at his girlfriend of three months. "I'm glad too."

Howard teased Bernadette into dancing with him and Raj had decided to borrow River's wooden flute and was playing a rather sweet little tune for the dancers. By the time Mal's business was concluded Penny had convinced Sheldon to dance with her as well.

"Well this is a pretty sight for this old cargo bay," Mal's voice was amused. Beside him, Zoe grinned. "I take it nobody's much concerned 'bout the fate of your associates?"

"Leonard is being an ass and Amy is…" Howard frowned trying to find an appropriate word.

"She's harassing every male on the boat." Penny chimed in.

"Well we still gotta go get 'em," Mal sighed. "Good news is, we know whereabouts they probably are."

"What's the bad news?" Bernadette asked when Mal didn't continue.

"Last time they took Simon an' River; tried to burn 'em at the stake," Mal shrugged. "Said River was a witch."

"What'd Simon do?" Howard grinned at his old friend.

"Oh, just my usual talent for making friends and influencing people." Simon shrugged. "I wasn't going to let them burn my baby sister. She'd followed them when they kidnapped me. They wanted a doctor."

Jayne sighed and kissed River's forehead. "Well let's go an' get 'em."

* * *

The Patron had a bad feeling ever since Stark had shown up with the two snooty core folk. He'd said they were doctors, they sure talked like it. But the short man was next to useless the sick and the woman was afflicted with lust. In the afternoon they'd been in the village she'd already provoked two children into throwing mud at her.

They'd warned the two of them to only eat what they were given. Without a good working knowledge of what was safe to eat it was dangerous to scavenge the woods around the village. Despite the warning Doralee had been forced to take berries away from the both of them.

And now that same man in the browncoat was stalking into the village. At least the ship wasn't hovering overhead with a man holding a gun the size of a cannon.

Patron David sighed. He hoped none of his faithful would die for what had befallen the two folk they'd taken.

"Well if it ain't the head of the kidnappin' hillfolk village." Mal greeted him sardonically. "Seems we're missin' some folks. Kinda need 'em back."

"Would that we could give them to you, but we cannot." Patron David sighed again.

"You try to burn them too?" The big man was still holding a gun, but it wasn't aimed anywhere particular at least. "I'll give you that the Amy woman is creepifyin' and that's kinda witchlike but I don't hold with burnin' someun for that."

"We warned them the berries were not safe." Doralee spoke up bravely. "I took the berries away and threw them out. But they wouldn't heed me."

"What berries did they eat?" Simon walked forward to stand between Mal and Zoe. "If they're ill I might be able to help them."

Doralee shook her head and gestured to the house behind her. "They harvested Martyr's Mistletoe. The berries look like hunchberries, but for the different leaves. I tried to stop them."

Mal shook his head wearily, "It never goes smooth." He looked at the Patron in resignation. "I'd almost rather you thought they were witches." He took a deep breath and screwed his courage to the sticking place. "Guess you'd better let us have the bodies."

"I already have several men preparing the graves." Patron David offered, "They died among us, they deserve to be buried with God's grace, for all their ignorance."

Mal turned and looked at Sheldon and Simon, "You two think their families could live with that?"

Sheldon nodded once, decisively. "Leonard's family will not care and Amy's mother will be thrilled she's been buried in hallowed ground. So to speak."

The Captain nodded. "All right then. Let's head back down to Serenity." He looked at the Patron as his folk left, "Patron, you an' me, we gotta stop meetin' like this. You see my boat, you an' yours just stay on your hill and leave any strangers alone. Or you'll be dyin' of lead poisoning. Dong ma?"

He didn't wait for the Patron to nod, simply followed his folk back down the hill towards Serenity.

* * *

 _Author's Note: So ya'll can blame SpaceAnJL for this one and the Blue Hands story. Because she got me started talking about this. The Dear Diary line is a direct quote from her and started off this whole thing. As always flaming trollish reviewers are thanked for increasing my pageviews._


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